Guilt

Posted on Thu Oct 17th, 2019 @ 3:03pm by Lieutenant Commander Arianna Sky Kamar

Mission: Onboarding & Departure
Location: Arboretum
Timeline: Day 2 incidentals

Frank sat on a park bench beneath an oak tree. The sound of the bubbling group was faint, yet pleasant. The sound was only interrupted by the thoughts and feelings that were at war in his head. “Arianna, I feel terrible, I sent Oscar to his death, we don’t know if any of his team will even make it. I should have been more careful, maybe run a different scan. I led my ship here and killed my Lieutenant within hours of our arrival. Maybe I’m not fit to command a ship,” he said confiding in her while holding her hand.

"Frank, every captain that I have served with has been through what you are going through now. There was no way we could have known that it was a trap. Even our scans came up empty because of that damn dampening field!", she said softly. "Each of us knew what we were in for when we signed up. It is never easy when we send our people into a situation where they may get hurt or lose their lives. I have lost people from my department and has not neen easy to accept it either but we must. As cruel as it may sound Frank, it goes with the territory. We, as department heads and command know that making a command decision is the hardest thing to do. You have to realize that you are not guilty of sending Oscar to his death or his people. Things happen that we as humans can not avoid. Death is one, regardless if it is by design or by accident. Oscar gave his life defending his squad and in another sense you and the ship. If we had sent an away team over there first, what then?", Arianna asked looking deep into his pained eyes.

"I know, but no amount of training prepares you for losing an officer like this. Everything you're saying is logical and we all know it's part of the job, but that doesn't make it any easier, Arianna. He was a good officer, and would have gone far in the Fleet."

"Yes Frank, that is very true and there is nothing that can prepare us for the consequences of our actions. I understand what you are feeling and I can sympathize with you. It happened to me as well Frank. I lost.....", she started. The memory brought a tear to her eye as she continued, "Frank I was put in charge of the team that was sent to install new air filters in a new complex on Risa Indiri. The units were installed prior to us arriving. When we got there, all we were supposed to do was put in the new filters. We installed them and turned on the units. What happened next was unimaginable. The captain came down for the opening ceremony of the complex and a dinner. During the dinner the air filter changing part of the unit broke throwing toxic fumes into the hall poisoning everyone. Those that could run did only to get crushed by the unit falling through the ceiling. We thought it was our fault and well....I felt very guilty at losing my captain and three of my people. For two weeks we all felt guilty, until it was determined it was no fault on us. Even though we were cleared we still felt it our fault. So you see Frank, you can not be held accountable for his death. I know there is a difference between what happened to Oscar and what happened with me. However the end results were the same.....the death of an officer", Arianna said hoping he would understand that he was not alone in how he felt. She felt just as guilty as he did. "Had I figured out they were playing games and could ascertain their intentions, maybe Oscar would be alive still".

"You're right as usual," Frank said with a sad smile before kissing her forehead. "Thank you for being there for me. I guess the stress of the last couple of days has caught up with me. which reminds me I need to go talk to the doc about our two new civilians. I have to figure out the best way to care for them while we are out here. The base at Iota doesn't want civilians at all so it looks like they will be onboard for awhile."

"As I hear, there is a young child, a girl. Maybe she could be adopted by a family here onboard. I believe that right now she believes this to be the safest place in her young life. I would.....maybe help care for her?", Arianna asked softly actually reading Frank's emotions as they were very strong at this point.

"I was planning to personally take care of Hannah, until suitable arrangements could be made. I feel somehow that by taking care of her it would be what Vladinichi wanted. It may sound bad I guess, but I genuinely want to help the girl."

"Well Frank I want to help you care for Hannah. I feel also responsible as well. It would do well for her to have both mother and father figures in her life now. She is going to need a lot of love and kindness", Arianna said looking into his eyes. Leaning in close she gave him a good hug and kissed him deeply. "Frank I do love you", she said softly.

"Arianna, I care for you deeply too, I never thought I..."Frank ended in a whisper and kissed Arianna, "I love you too" he replied while looking into her deep brown eyes.

"Then Frank let your heart lead you to your happiness. I am sure that who ever held your heart before would not want you to go on living alone. She would want you to be happy and to love again. I would never do anything to hurt you. I have no plans on dying now or anytime soon. I have too much to live for", Arianna said looking into his eyes searching for it. "When one heart beats strongly for another, and the other beats for the other then let both join and beat as one", she said softly in his ear.

"You're right, life is to short to not live happily. and you have a long life ahead of you. I'm an old man, Arianna."

"Frank I don't see age in love. It does not matter how old you are.....what counts is what our hearts want. Ours beat for each others. Allow them to become one and allow the joy and happiness that goes with it. In my eyes you are not old, but a handsome rugged man who is my captain and my hearts mate. I am no spry chicken either in spite of my looks", Arianna said holding both his hands.

"Arianna, I would love to become more than friends too, but I don't want my personal feeling clouding my judgement as Captain of this ship either. I'm really torn because part of screams to jump with you, yet I feel I must remain grounded. You know I care about, and you know how I feel."

"Oh Frank.....you are grounded and believe me when I say this, I will always be there beside you no matter what happens. Your personal feelings won't ever cloud your judgement. Mine never have. I know what goes along with putting this uniform on and I know about making the command decisions. It may hurt me to give that order but I would. I see that in you. You would do exactly that regardless of your personal feelings. Don't ever think otherwise. That is what has my heart captivated", Arianna said as she laid her head on his shoulder. She knew what he was saying and she really didn't want to think about it right now.

Frank listened intently, and he stroked her hair as she rested her head on his shoulder. He was afraid if he spoke his heart would override his head and his lips would betray him. He sat still for another minute before speaking, "I'm going to my quarters," he kissed her forehead as he stood to leave.

Arianna felt the turmoil, "Alright Frank, I understand. I will return to engineering I guess and see what I can occupy myself with in the meantime", she said standing with him.

Frank walked away, he was torn between love and duty and it was not a fun place to be.